So I made a relatively big step in life. I decided to work my ass off for a couple months and save everything that I possibly had in order to afford going to see Mozart in the uk. Even though there was a lot of forces against me, I wanted to push through them all…for it is something that needed to be done. There are certain situations, certain questions that need to be asked face to face. And a great friend once told me, that at the end of the day money is just money, and sometimes it’s worth making those chances. When Mozart and I got back together after our short break up we decided I things needed to change we. Both needed to respect each other more and listen to what the other wants in life. We went through our resentments and figured out what was causing so much strain for so many months.
I needed to see if things changed. If what we agreed to and talked about was not just words but instead actions. For it is hard to plan a future with someone based solely on possibilities. When I first arrived I was overrun with emotions. The man that I have been apart from for over 4 months was now standing right next to me. And it was strange. I felt like I was on a fist date again, not really know what to say and not sure if it was okay to even touch the other person…boundaries still undrawn.
Things did not go as swimmingly as I imagined in my perfectly planned fantasy. He was not standing waiting patiently with flowers in hand for my arrival. We did not spend the entire night curled in each others arms simply talking about what each other has been missing.
I felt very awkward on the first day. Mozart and his housemates grew pretty close which is great but strange to accept at the same time. I heard them talking about people that I didn’t know and funny things that I never knew that happened. Mozart was now a big weed smoker and was more than happy to get high and talk shit with his friends on the first night I was there. It is strange that so many things can actually happen in four months…made me feel like I had truly no idea what was going on in my own boyfriends life. I don’t really know who his friends were or understand any of their banter, I had no idea that he was hanging out with people across the road, and I didn’t have a clue about how much weed he was actually smoking. I felt lost and sad at the same time. Sad at the thought that life really goes on without you. That his world will not stop just because you left, and I have mi idea why I thought it would. I was instead left with the feeling of being foreign to someone whom I used to be so comfortable with.
Eventually we talked it all out. And I got the gist of what was happening in his day to day life. He talked an out his housemates and his other friends. We went on a trip and went to a rave, which I will discuss later. While we have grown a great amount in the time that I have been here and while we have made our relationship stronger than ever, the feeling of foreigness still returns. And it is something that is hard to get over. The desire to smoke weed everyday or every other day, the cool banter and random high fives from people unknown to me at clubs or on the street, the desire to play video games or simply to just watch his housemates play video games is not at all the person I say goodbye to 4 months ago. But since it is the person now I have to learn to love and accept it. I am just nervous about what will change and happen in the next 4 months that we are forced to spend apart.