The Sexy Truth

Everything has been so complicated recently within my relationship. Last night I found out that Mozart read my blog. You may not think this is a big deal (especially since I put it out online for everyone to read) but the thing is that he promised last week that he wouldn’t read my blog unless I said that it would be okay. Stirs is supposed I be a place where I can go and feel comfortable instead of a place where I feel like I have to alter my feelings because of fear. Plus, it showed me that he is insecure about our relationship. I told him before he wants to know how I am feeling then he should just ask me. Or hell I have a loud enough mouth….just listen to what I am saying. Not only did He go behind my back and read but he also lied about it. I asked him three different times, kept giving him chances but he didnt own up to it. It wasn’t until I told him that I wouldn’t be mad at him as much if he just told me the truth. Which is when everything came out. I mean at least he eventually came clean, right? In a way this makes me trust him a lot less. I am already horrible about trusting people. And for some reason I feel like if he can find it this easy to lie straight to my face, then nothing will change when he is the lie is something bigger. Maybe it’s just my silly mind, but it makes me worried.

Not only are we dealing with that, but there is still the erection problem. We still have not had sex. He says there is all this pressure on him now which makes him unable to perform. And whilst that may be true, this whole situation is driving me crazy. And I keep wondering if it is my issue. My problem. In any factor the longer it keeps going the more that I think that it is my fault. Which is hard to deal with.

Sex. One word that can cause so many problems within any relationship… You are either getting it too much (to the point where the very idea of something coming close to your vagina makes it physically hurt) you aren’t getting enough of it or you are simply unsatisfied. Whilst my sexual relationship with Mozart has been fine in the past (the occasional romantic moments along with the few times of being rough) for the past few weeks have been disastrous. Maybe it is because we have revisions making us both stressed out to the max, or  maybe its the fact that he drank a bottle of wine before seducing me on more than half of our failed attempts, but whatever it is it needs to stop…and stop quickly. to be honest it is driving me nuts. I admit that I am not always up to having sex but when I am I expect it to be there… and to be good. I guess it is because we as girls are told that a man thinks about sex all the time, that they are constantly horny, and if there is a naked girl next to them they will get an erection. Which made these failure attempts made me think that I was a failure with him. that I was not sexy enough or not doing enough for him to think that I was hot.

he was really cute one night. Cooked me dinner, put candles all over my room and brought out whip cream but nothing brings down a night more than a flaccid penis. He became paranoid, looking up different reasons why this happened… and he blamed it on the bottle of wine that he drank before we crawled into bed. Which it very well could have been. But no matter what it left us both laying there feeling like failures. 

We havent had sex since then (dont get all worried it was like 2 days ago) but in a way I am nervous for the next time. What happens if it happens again without the excuse of alcohol or anything else. What if it is really going to become a problem in our relationship, and what will I do if that happens. Ever since the ex I told myself that I will not be in another sex-less (or regretful sex) relationship again…. and in a way I dont feel any different. No matter what anyone says, Sex is important in a relationship. I just hope sex wont ruin this one… I have faith though. 

Mozart and I had a huge fight last night. It was one of those that could have possibly broken us up. He had a mini freak out moment…. saying how we have nothing in common, how he cant be himself and all this other shit. But I dug further to try to figure out what he was really trying to tell me, which was that he isnt sure about our future. Which even though i completely hate to admit it, but I understand. Like I said before I have an expiration date, and I knew that from the beginning. He admitted that he had been thinking about all the different possibilities of our future. 1. I would be able to find a job and thus a visa, allowing me to stay in the country and continue to date. 2. I have to go home and we have to skype until we can see each other again. 3. we break it off…. and be friends because apparently skype might be too hard. Obviously I didnt want the third option, and it hurt me that he even brought it up. But I cant be mad that he is unsure about trying to keep a relationship alive through skype. He said that he knows himself and it would kill him and then he would entertain the thought of marriage… and whilst he is fine with the idea of getting engaged to me and everything, the thought of getting married in year freaks him out. At the end of the night he said that he was committed to me. and that we can figure it out. But i know secretly he is still weighing all the options. Why couldnt this be so much easier? Why couldnt visa issues just disappear. 

Now I am confronted with my options. Of course I am still going to try to find a job in the UK… but if I dont, do I just let him go? to avoid the pain. or should I push through it and have faith that we can sustain a relationship through skype until one of us can afford to visit the other. Eventually choices will have to be made.

Alright… so I havent really talked about this with anyone but I thought might as well write about it…right? Yea… its a good way to sort through things. So even though January is slightly far off, my mind automatically jumps and tries to frantically figure out what the hell is going to happen with my relationship with Mozart. My asian friend had a point when she said that it was useless to start a relationship because you will always have an expiration date. And mine seems to be ever present in my mind. I admit, I do think negatively. But it is just because the positive would be so simple: I get a job in cardiff or hell even swansea. continue dating mozart and when he graduates university then we figure things out together. But… what happens if that doesnt happen. If I cant find a job in the UK. If I get sent back to the states….what will happen then. 

We talked about continuing our relationship and doing the whole skype thing for his final year, and then he would move to America. And whilst that may work for a bit, I can see mozart completely breaking down and being unhappy because there will be no physical contact between us for a year. Plus, its not like we have all the money in the world where we could easily go back and forth with visiting each other. 

He mentioned the other day that if I have to be sent back to the states, if I try everything possible and still not get a job, and the whole skype thing doesnt work out…then he will propose. But do I really want to make him make that commitment to me? he is only 21. At the same time, is it the only way that we can be with each other on the same side of the pond? who knows. Whilst one part of me gets excited about getting engaged (dont worry, it wouldnt be now it would be like a year or so from now… since we would obviously try the skype thing for a bit when I am in the states), another part of me is screaming especially because he is still young and shouldnt really have to make that commitment in order to keep his girlfriend in the country.