So recently I have been working very VERY early mornings, and while being up at 4am completely sucks, in a way it puts my mind into reflective mode. As I sit here watching people scan in and work out, for some reason I begin to look into my past and try to figure out why I am doing the things that I am doing, why I am acting the way that I have been acting. Not to say that I have been doing things wrong, but instead trying to figure out the cause of my actions, thoughts and feelings. I have to say, reflecting on your past really can help explain things and improve your future. It is a time to be honest with yourself.
Mozart and I got into a very low place in our relationship, for a fairly long period of time. I never knew it at the time but at points right before I left he had in the back of his mind that we were not going to make it, that we would eventually break up, contrary to my side who was planning on forever. Right before I left to go back home to America, literally hours before I was going to board the bus, Mozart told me that he couldn’t do it anymore. That he would only be fooling himself if he thought that he could make it the 9 months apart. That there was something in the back of his head telling him that this wasn’t right, that this wasn’t what he wanted. Which as you can imagine, devastated me. I saw my bright future with him quickly fading from my grasp, I saw the memories of our good times disappearing and I already began to miss him. I couldn’t let it end that way. So I begged him. Begged him to give it a shot, to take a leap of faith with me and just trust me that everything was going to be alright. Right before I got on the bus, he agreed. But leaving on such a dramatic note did no favors for being apart for 9 months. We did talk almost everyday and we did continue the relationship but a day came when yet again Mozart said that he couldn’t deny his feelings that something wasn’t right. that we weren’t exactly compatible. So he broke up with me. Yet again devastated I begged him to tell me how he was really feeling. What not compatible really meant. To just give me the straight honest truth. Which to be honest, was the best thing to happen to our relationship.
He told me that I emasculated him, that I wasn’t open to anything new, that he felt like I was the one constantly in control during our relationship. He resented me for the fact that we never got to travel, that his best friend and I didn’t get along, and a long list of other things. And that even though we said many times that we were going to start fresh, that resentment never actually left. After he said all of these things I wasn’t mad but instead I realized he was exactly right. He even made me realize that I too harbored a fair amount of resentment towards him as well. I promised him that I would change, that I wouldn’t be the one in control of the relationship but instead allow it to be more equal. We talked through everything, and all of our issues concerning our resentment, deciding together that if we didn’t let it go then we would be screwed. I agreed that I backed out of traveling with him and I understood his fear that if he stayed with me then we would never travel together, but instead live in the fantasy 7 year plan that I made up in my head (jobs, marriage, children). He didn’t want to settle down right after college but instead use his time to travel and see the world, something that I really didn’t have in my mind.(don’t get me wrong I do love to travel but from a very young age my parents have preconditioned me to go to a good high school so I can get into a good college… a good college so I could get a good job… a good job so I could get an even better job. A job that they could impress their friends with. Yano like ooo my daughter is a lawyer, oh my daughter works at a pr agency and is quickly moving up in the company. No parent can brag about (especially in the circle of people my mother associates herself with) OH yes, my daughter is currently working at a hostel in the front desk or Yep she is a field hand in a random country. Being successful in the business world was what was expected of me, so that is what I believed I should do, no other choices were really available) When I brought up the idea of possibly traveling for a year my mother about had a heart attack. But how would you support yourself. No you cannot do that, you need a good job so you can get an even better job. You need to work. It then hit me… that this is what they wanted for me… not what I wanted for me. I have always wanted to travel, and people I talk to do say that you should do it now. That I don’t need a great job right after college, that maybe I should use that time to go travel with the man I love and get a good job later in life (maybe even using the experience I gained while traveling). So I told Mozart this, that I do want to travel with him, and that we can make it an experience together and have a great time doing it.
I then told him the things that worried me and what I was unhappy with in our relationship. My resentments for him not standing up for me against his friends, and numerous other things…. he agreed to his mistakes and with that we got back together. We both agreed that breaking up was the best decision, because without it we would have never gotten to our core issues, and we would have both remained unhappy.
The power has definitely switched and I am okay with that. But while I reflect I wondered why I even acted the way that I did in the first place. I have never been the one in power in a relationship, to be honest I am the one who usually has no power…and I have to admit that it does suck. I thought about the time when I first met Mozart. And truthfully, it was one of the most difficult periods of my life. Something that I never really thought would happen to me…did. And I had to make a drastic decision that I still think about to this day. I couldn’t believe the reality of my situation, and when I reached out to one of my best friends she was too busy. She did eventually show her support towards me but it was the beginning moments that were so crucial, so crippling that I needed someone to be there. I couldn’t reach out to my family, or my other friends back home because I knew that they would judge me, and I would never be looked at the same again. And the boy who I was seeing at the time completely ditched me. Refused to answer my messages to him, refused to see me, even though he promised to at least be a friend towards me. I felt utterly alone and in a foreign country none the less. I spent a lot of my days in my room watching movies or drowning my sorrows with alcohol with one of my other friends (who also knew what happened and thought that it would be best if I just kept my mind off of things by going out partying…which in a way I guess it did). I just felt hurt and betrayed by myself, by people I cared about, and by life in general. And that is the exact time when I met Mozart. He was cute and charming and our first date was really nice and refreshing. But my feelings towards life couldn’t be shut off right away. So when we started dating I began to control and take power in order to spare myself from more hurt. In a way to protect myself, while still trying to deal with my feelings about what happened in the past. Mozart was great and there for me but I never really showed my true appreciation. I mean I did at times but I was still always in control. It came to the point of him not wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone who is controlling, and for him to break up with me, for me to realize that what I was doing, my method of protecting myself, and how it was not okay. You cannot treat someone like that and expect them to just take it for the rest of their lives. It isn’t fair. So I opened up emotionally, let loose of some control, and now we are back together. But the last girl that he physically saw was the controlling one. Now I am going back to visit him and I am scared.
I am scared that I am going to be my non-controlling self, be more affectionate and open towards new things, be more honest with my feelings and really put myself out there and that he is going to reject me. That it will be too little too late or that I will instead be too much for him. The rally boy at one point told me that I was too affectionate, that I kissed him too much or I tried to touch him too much (hold his hand or touch his side…don’t think badly here) and I was so incredibly hurt by it all that I made sure that I wasn’t that way with Mozart (strangely the opposite happened, he asked me if I thought he was kissing me too much. I think I said no I don’t think he was but I knew after he asked me that that he too held back). No one wants to be rejected, and I especially dont want to be rejected by Mozart because I love him. In the back of my mind I am telling myself that he obviously wont reject you, that he loves you and that affection and just simply being nice, loving and open to new things, is what he has been craving all along. And in a way even if I am scared of the rejection, this side of me has to come out, since our relationship obviously couldn’t survive the way that it was going, and truthfully I hated being controlling, it made me feel like I was being a bitch.
I know that my trip back will not go exactly as planned and we might have a fight or two ( I am going to be there a month…) but my goal is to show him that I do love him and that the reality is, that I am not the same as that low feeling girl that he met on the dance floor at a club a year ago. It has taken me a while to get back to the person that I want to be, but I am here. I just hope that he is not overwhelmed by me… and I hope that I leave with the relationship stronger then ever. If I can do that, then my trip will be a success and I believe that we actually have a shot in hell for a future together.