I used to write whenever I felt hurt and unable to express my emotions. Unable to show how I felt because I was simply tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of arguing and tired of trying to make things work when they simply. Didnt. I re-read an old piece that I wrote. One that I wrote when I was in a relationship with the ex (not mozart but my first love). Keep in mind that it was something I wrote just after a fight. While there was bad there were also good moments. You may judge me or him but I simply want to expose something that I felt at that moment in my life. This is what I wrote down. This is what I was feeling when I was 20, living in a studio with a boy in Iowa who no longer really wanted to be in a relationship ….

     These are the rules for being with The Ex  and the best possible way to keep him happy.

- Don’t ask him to do chores

- If you do ask, only as once. If it is still not done after a week PLEASE dont ask him to do it again. That is nagging.

-Dont ask him to go on a date. As he puts it, going on a date with me is a chore, so instead I have to entice him with a date and tell him all of the benifits of it.

-Be more interesting than what you are now. Talk about different things other than your day, jobs, your family or your dog.

-make sure you look extrememly interested when he is talking about computers. Even if you ask him questions and make suggestions to show that you are indeed interested, your body language has to be interested too.

-bring up something that he will like to talk about. If not you will either sit in silence or he will tell you he simply doesnt care.

-when he wants to be left alone do not talk, look, text or bother him in any way. he will not text you back. he will ignore your calls. he doesnt think you exist. leave it alone.

-when he drinks alone every day of the week do not say a word.

-dont ask him to go to a party with him. he will ask you if he wants you to go. If you do ask he will make up an excuse or simply tells you that you cannot come.

-Do not ask him when he will be home over the weekend. he wont know and only get mad, thus staying out later. expect it to be anywhere between 3-8am, no matter if you have important things to do the next day or not.

-Do not talk about studying abroad

-Keep the dishes clean. Never let there be no silverware left. Make sure to clean off all of the soap. Apparently if there is some soap left on there he can get sick.

-Do not get mad if he blames you for getting him sick or if he gets an eye infection. 

-Do not complain if he wont get up to go with you to the store. Give up, you wont win. Let him stay on the couch.

-Get used to doing things alone and dont complain if he sleeps til 6pm everyday.

-Dont tell him to go to class.

-Dont ever talk about jobs unless it is super positive.

-Dont talk about graduation

-Dont ever ask to leave a party early. And dont be upset if you do and he tells you that you can leave, thus making you decide to either stick it out until he is ready or walk 30min home alone in the middle of the night.

- AGREE with him when he is drunk. When he calls you an idiot, a dumbass, a retard, just agree with him. Avoid the fight…please.

-If he throws water at you while he is drunk, do not cry. He will only make fun of you more.

-NEVER block the door. Especially when he is angry. He will grab you by the wrists and try to force you away.

-Dont trust yourself to get drunk around him. He will always be too drunk to take care of you if you need it. 

-when he is drunk, take care of him. When he is throwing up on himself, help him. When he passes out in the bathroom, figure out a way to hoist him to the couch and periodically check to make sure he is still breathing.

- Dont get mad when he will never thank you the next day for staying up all night to take care of him. He will simply tell you that no one asked you to do it. 

-When he tells you girls on tv are hot dont get mad.

-when he ignores your call and texts you not now, dont question any more.

-dont text him too much

-Dont expect him to ever drive anywhere. He claims that he doesnt have a car but I really think he is scared. Always drive the hour to him whenever you are home from school

-dont be mad when he doesnt want to hang out with your friends. He finds most of them annoying and doesnt want to spend the time with them.

-dont get mad when he doesnt come over to your house .

- accept that he wont make an effort to meet your extended family. you have to set it up and make sure he has nothing that weekend, get him and bring him back home

-dont ask him to turn down the brightness or the sound on his tablet, or to turn over so you can sleep. he will but he will get annoyed. 

-when he is drunk he will say he doesnt care about you.

-dont get mad when he will eat all of your food on a drunken binge 

-dont remind him that he hasnt paid rent yet.

-dont ask him to be romantic when he wants to have sex with you. if you want it you have to ask for it. 

-right after you have sex dont get mad if he falls asleep right away or stays away from you.

-dont get mad if he texts throughout your date.

-dont get upset if he doesnt want to put down his computer and talk to you. he will claim he is still listening or he doesnt care.

-put headphones is, he doesnt want to listen to your music, he thinks it is crap.

- always offer him food whenever you are hungry and making something.

-dont show him your art. he wont like it.

- when you ask him to not touch you in a certain way or to say something like bro or bitch he will do it more.

-when he wakes up judge his mood and act accordingly.

-dont try to wake him up ever. you will not be successful.

-let him give you attention when he wants. dont ask for more.

-hope that he will miss you when you are away. try to trust him. try to get him more involved. pay for a date once in a while. try to survive. when he is mad dont expect him to be nice. when he is mad he does not love you. he will not care if he hurts your feelings or makes you cry. he will call you fat, he will call you an idiot, he will call you a worthless girlfriend. Try to ignore him. Try to believe that he doesnt think these things about you ant try to forget…

I know this piece is long, but when I read it 4 years later I began to cry. All that was said above was said to me or expected of me during my 3 year relationship. I wrote to begin to understand and keep tract of everything that I apparently was doing wrong. Dont let any person make you feel like I felt during the time that I wrote this. Know your worth.

I sit here, alone, wondering when the next time I am going to see you. If it will all be the same as those magical nights or if all will be different. The wonderment of it all floating within unable to be controlled until the moment our eyes meet once again. 

You broke my heart too many times for me to blindly trust you yet again. So this time you will have to prove to me that I am your first choice. I am what you want. I am the one you cant stop thinking about.  That I matter to you…so chase me to the ends of the earth. Fall in love with me and show me that it is okay to just let go…