I would rather risk being heartbroken again… then to have not tried at all.

 I would rather risk being heartbroken again… then to have not tried at all.

Should I just text you to have a conversation?

One thing that I always loved about Mozart was his lack of use with technology. A phone never came out of his pocket to check his facebook to update an instagram or to tweet something witty when he was with me. When we went on a date or hung out…he was with me. not social media. Hell he didnt even have a facebook when we first started going out. I am so tired of men who are completely dependent on their phones, it makes me think that they are uninterested in me… that I am not entitled to warrant someones full attention. I shouldnt have to compete with someones phone…

I dont know if I believe in true love anymore…but I do believe that if someone comes back…maybe there is a reason and you should listen

I dont know if I believe in true love anymore…but I do believe that if someone comes back…maybe there is a reason and you should listen

I Miss You… or do I just miss the memories.

So much has happened in the last two weeks. I went back to the UK in order to walk for my graduation, and while the time there was amazing and I am super happy I was there, it was also extremely heartbreaking. I am a visual person. Every where I turned I saw things that reminded me of past memories. Memories in which I was in love and happy. Yes there were also memories of fighting…but when you are a bit lonely you tend to block those ones out. It was especially difficult when I hung out with the brit and her lovely boyfriend. While she tried her best to not make me feel like the awkward third wheel, she reminded me of what I couldnt have and what I desperately wanted. My boyfriend who loved and supported me there…watching me graduate. Holding my hand. Dancing and drinking with me to celebrate. Instead I was there alone. After graduation I left and went to Ireland with my family…just for a visit. And while it was fun…again it reminded me of memories… of how a year ago we placed a love lock on the bridge and danced in temple bar. I remember dancing and singing in temple bar with him next to me thinking how i was so in love with him. and how i didnt want this feeling to leave.   

Its roughly been three months since we broke up. Three months is the time you are supposed to get over all of this right? Three months of being strangers instead of best friends. Its been more than three months since we last saw each other…but I still find my mind wandering back. I still find nights where I cry. Being jealous of things he posted on facebook…and then I feel guilty. guilty that I still felt that way.

Ive been on dates…but so many of the men have been boring…focusing on money rather than life and travel.  Telling me that their dream place to go would be somewhere in Mexico. They werent all terrible… but something felt off. 

Yesterday Mozart and I had a slight breakthrough. He seemed like he wanted to talk and I didnt have any barriers up after my long emotionally draining week. With him conversations were always easy and this time was no exception. We ended up talking for 3 1/2 hours about life. About how we were feeling. About what has happened since our breakup. We were honest with each other about everything. We ended telling each other that we missed one another and that we still like each other. But the thing is Im not sure if I miss him….or if I just miss having someone. And he felt the exact same way. But in a way… I think that is normal. We both dont want to rush into things again, get serious right away when so much has changed or happened in the last 3 months. When we were both so hurt and confused by the breakup. I know for a fact that I have my heart a bit more guarded. He will be in the states in a couple weeks. Visiting his grandma and doing the trip we originally planned months back. He wants to meet up. To travel a bit in the states. To take things slow and tentatively. to have fun and see where things can go. (and he would not sleep with anyone else) Which I guess is what I suggested. To start over and learn about each other again. to really learn about him and not get lost in daily trifles.  And in a way…I guess if this were to really happen I would want to take things slow. To really see if we can be compatible or if we are just using each other to fill the loneliness gaps.

I am a bit nervous. Nervous that I am going to fall back into it. Fall more than he will and get my heart broken again.But I guess that would be any risk with any new relationship. The risk of feelings not being returned in the same way. I would say that I am also nervous that he will never want a relationship and the whole fear of being fucked around but if he isnt sleeping with anyone else then im not really being fucked around. Maybe this is a real chance to see if there is still something between us. I am nervous but I feel like I would regret not giving this a chance…with not a lot of strings attached.

The distance has brought new light to everything. Maybe I will see him again and realize that it isnt right. that he isnt the person that i have in my head. the person that i miss so much. Or maybe I will see him and feel like I have my best friend back. Anything could really happen. 

The Katie that I want to be is someone not super attached like i was before. Not having to talk to the other person ALL the time but yet being more independent, being my own person. Near the end of the conversation he told me that he loved me and that is all that should matter. that for now he loves me.He said that he wont be able to talk much on facebook because he needs to focus on his dissertation. And I accept that and also realize I can be a distraction. So even if he does go online. I am still going to keep my distance until we see each other. I am still going to be cautious. am going to act like yesterday didnt happen. I am just going to do me…plan my future in Ireland. and if things happen with him when he is here. then great. I will be extremely happy, but I shouldnt go into it expecting anything. And I know my friends and family might judge…but this is my life and i feel like i would regret it if i dont try.and that is all that matters.

Even if I fail with the risk I am taking. Even if I am left completely heartbroken. At leas I will have known that I have tried. And that I have put myself out there.Life is messy. We make mistakes. We have regrets. And sometimes we need to give things a proper second chance.

everything comes in waves. of feeling amazing and on top of the world, of living in the sunshine and feeling the grass between your toes. smiling and laughing and living in the moment instead worrying about the tomorrow. but then comes the nights… or the moments when you simply miss your best friend. the one who was supposed to always be there for you. to pick you up when you felt down. the one who you could act your silliest with and they would laugh along with you. you hold back your feelings, and your tears because you are supposed to be over it. supposed to have let go, to stop worrying and stop thinking about it. to have already moved on. but its hard to stop loving something. its hard to forget and tell yourself not to miss those tender moments that were once shared  when you are laying alone wondering how you got to this point. 


I havent written in a while… to tell you the truth it is because I was trying to process my own feelings which have been spiraling all over the place, unable to be controlled. Maybe I have never gone through a real break up before, with someone who I truly didnt want to let go of, someone who i believed opened my previous dark eyes to this bright world. When it came to the ex… my original 3 year relationship, we both grew so much, and our relationship didnt grow with us. i was still my suppressed shy self and he was well him. i dont want to discredit him. he was a good boyfriend at points, but in general we were not good for each other. we never talked about our problems but yet just forgot about them…until they came up again. so when we broke up, i felt fine. yes i was sad, but a month or two into it i felt amazing and excited for my trip to wales for the first time, to this new life that was unfolding in front of me. 

But when Mozart and I broke up I simply felt regret. I looked back on all the mistakes that I had made, all the times that I was mad or moody when I really didnt need to be. I was against him, in many things that he loved, instead of being understanding. Unfortunately the understanding came a little too late. After some time apart I began to realize really where he was coming from, and how before I was being close minded and unreasonable (but that was simply because of fear of the unknown). I find that it is the most difficult to be proven wrong after all is said and done because you just want to go back in time, redo it all and make different decisions. I have tried telling him that I am different. That this time and being apart and contemplating things and simply being with him has changed my perspective on everything. that I finally can understand what he was getting at before, but I feel like he doesnt believe me. that he believes that it is all a rouse in order to get him back and once I do then nothing is going to change. Or…. I am thinking way too much into this and he simply doesnt care that I have changed. That harsh truth is a little bit more difficult to think about simply because i felt that our breakup was mainly due to us thinking about the world and where we want to be in it, differently. But in reality who really knows. and when it all comes down to it, there is nothing I can do. And even though I do feel less pain and less hurt and less attached from this entire thing, the small reminders of him that are everywhere in my life still have an effect on me. It still saddens me and reminds me of happier times. 

I decided that I am probably going to move to ireland, or another country in general for a year. Hell I love to travel and I love adventure, and while both of those are true I know that the reality of the situation is that I am running from my sorrows. Trying to distract myself with something new, trying to solve my issues by being somewhere else. And while that may not be healthy, or the correct way to do things, it is the only thing that I can think of doing that will make me happy… 

life is short and we have to choose what makes us happy… and screw what everyone else thinks. would you rather be miserable and have everyone else happy. or would you rather be happy and have people not approve. 

 By that logic it is time to for me to see what is out there and hopefully find myself a little bit more. because right now im just a confused girl struggling to figure out what i want from life other than the one thing that i cant have….